I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s the season or work or life or my ego or my diet or my exercise regime or my supplements, or my decrease in caffeine, but for some reason I’ve been feeling rather “meh” lately. I will have days where I feel happy and motivated, but lately I have more days where I feel lost and don’t know where to begin. I have things that I *think* I want to do, such as read one of the books on my mammoth book list, practice meditation, go to yoga class, research vacation options, color in an adult coloring book, start the Great American Novel, paint a picture of Lucent, figure out a great material with which to make the BEST YOGA TANKS EVER, plan a retreat at Kripalu, input all my yoga income and expenses, move to Boulder, start a yoga book/video club, etc. However, when I have a free hour or two, instead I find myself sitting on the couch in my pajamas and watching Seinfeld or Community.
I don’t understand why it is so difficult to do the things that I think I want to do! Maybe I am just getting overwhelmed with options – too many things to do in too little time means I just resign myself to doing nothing. Or maybe work is stressing me out, and so in my downtime, I elect to just vegetate. Or maybe I’m just lazy and scared and don’t want to attempt to create anything because it means I cannot fail.
What is really odd is that this period of despondency is punctuated with periods of lucidity. For a few days, I was waking up at 4:30 AM, drinking some warm lemon water, and then meditating with this for 20 minutes. I was starting to notice that I was becoming more aware of the present moment, which was very interesting, and I liked it. But then I would be attacked by another bad mood where I really didn’t want to go into work. I hated everyone and just wanted to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls all day. Why can’t I sustain the good stuff?
I also have been eating gluten with almost abandon. I don’t know what it is. I know it’s not good for me, and that it makes me emotional and weird, but I keep eating it. I just feel a little off kilter. Maybe it’s just the change in seasons. Maybe it’s a stressful fall with lots of changes. Maybe it’s just a natural ebb in the waves of life. I feel as if I know what I need to do to make myself feel better, I just need to figure out how to make myself do it!!
On a positive note, I leveraged my emotional wobbliness into a really good yoga class! Since I’ve been feeling moody lately, I did a little research and found a Yoga to Balance Your Mood sequence in one of my YTT books. I used it during my Gentle Hatha class on Saturday, and everyone loved it. I heard at least 1 audible sigh of relaxation at the end of the class. I wove in some of my own stuff too. I began the class with a seated meditation and asked the students to note how they felt in the meditation. Then I told them that we would do another meditation at the end of the class and asked them to compare the two. I told them that the whole purpose of yoga is to calm the body enough that it can sit quietly in meditation, so I wanted to test out that theory. Everyone said that their meditation was easier at the end, and they felt more focused. I just absolutely love it when people are happy, relaxed, and excited when they leave my class.
So now I need to take some of my own medicine and do the sequence. I just have a really hard time finding a good quite, solitary place to practice at home. I guess it means we need to buy a new house. Maybe that would make me happy. ;)